Wednesday, August 26, 2009

As I age...

I am growing increasingly aware of my surroundings as a human. Hu-man. (It begins to sound strange if you repeat it enough times). Yes. I am odd. Something else about myself that I've noted as I've grown.

Life, for as complex as general society makes it out to be, is actually very simplistic in nature (as those who have been enlightened well know). Our point is to just live. Not just humans, but every other species that inhabits this planet. For some living means survival; for others, it simply means reaching their philosophical peak. Regardless, how inherently simple is that? Do what you want. If you have to fight to do that, make that your point, or rather "what you want".

I used to think we all had some pre-destined purpose for even exisisting. During the past few years observing the populus that surrounds me, I've found that to be a gross impossibility. We aren't pre-destined to do shit. Pardon my bluntless, as I am having difficulty coming to terms with this new realization. I mean, I've spent the majority of my life relishing the fact that I may be destined to save the world someday.

What I overlooked most of my life, was that if destiny/fate, etc. were indeed what determined our lives on this planet- then I could just as easily be pre-destined to become a serial killer, child abuser, or the worst person who ever existed. I would have no choice, as it would be my destiny. I suppose there is something pretty damn comforting in knowing that I have a choice now.

With this new philosophical outlook on life, I am slowly (very slowly) moving towards the understanding that I have full control of who I am, and what I will become. I can be that "superhero", and I can prevent the ghastly future of me becoming the worst person to ever exist. I suppose I should just embrace full control, and not continue to let it intimidate me and overrun my life.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

In search of...

better local friends.

I have been biting my tongue for months now.

Kinda. Something was said, but ignored. Hopefully this time will be more successful.
My local friends suck (well atleast a damn good majority). You know who you are. Those of you who can disregard this blog should also know who you are.
How sad is it that friends of mine who live 100's to 1,000's of miles away are far more sufficient at being my friends than those who live less than 20 minutes away? I'll tell you how sad.... pathetically sad.
Yes, I may be primarily a homebody, and no- I am not at the clubs every night, but since when does that constitute a friendship anyway? We should be able to hang whenever, and where ever.
I hate being whiney, but damn- I feel low. These past few weeks have proven to me that although I was born and raised in Las Vegas, I have almost no friends here. I'm not that demanding of a friend, and one of the few times I ask for something only 2 of you can come through?
The few of you who do live locally and have been there for me as well as those of you who I love but live afar, don't pay any attention to this.
The rest of you- thanks for showing me where I stand.

After this I am done ranting about this topic. Just don't expect anything from me.

Sunday, May 18, 2008


some dreams don't come true.
rainbows, don't always bear gold at their end.
sometimes the matter's "see through".
translucent, so never will it transcend.
nostalgia's not the cure.
faces drift back into the horizon.
goodness becomes obscured.
wasted. that's what's become of time spent.
yet, for every dream smashed
and every delusion broken
all the feelings and movements dashed
not one word even spoken...
there is still a glimmer,
of a new wish, glowing from afar;
a mild-mannered shimmer.
so again, you place your dream upon a star.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

The modeling world today...

For those of you on you are probably aware of the rampant TFP/TFCD debate.

My stance tends to fall on the unpopular side (as far as models go). I think TFP/TFCD is a privelege, not a right as a model. Perhaps I am a little old-fashioned. Maybe I am behind the times. Either way, I still feel there is a lot wrong with the modeling industry since the advent of internet modeling sites.

When I first became aware of the ability so sign up for modeling sites, admittedly I was excited. I thought "Wow, I can upload my pictures, write a little snippet about myself, and I will book work- and I can do it all for free!!!" You have to remember, when I first started modeling, being listed online was an expensive process (As far as I knew), you had to find an agency with a website, and they would post your photos and information, for a large fee. Luckily, my parents wouldn't go for that, so I never lost money on that venture. My initial thought process on modeling sites is exactly what's wrong with the industry today. I thought that maybe, possible I could get famous just by posting my stuff online.

Now you have thousands of girls, women- and in some cases children with profiles on multiple sites, claiming to be seasoned pros. That alone would not be so inherantly wrong- if they paid for pictures.

Let me take you back (sadly, not long ago) to about 1999 when I was first trying to get into modeling. I was about 14 years old, and very inexperienced. Obviously I was not going to book work right away. I began to build my portfolio. I luckily stumbled upon a photographer that only charged me for film processing ($75 a roll). I thought that was an amazing deal, and so did my parents. I shot with her several times, and paid every time. I had no problem with that- she was offering me a service- and as logic would dictate, I paid for that service.

No lets zoom back in to current day- new models, basically in them same boat I was in starting out, now have rates, and consequentially expect the photographers to pay. Let me ask this one question- what could someone inexperienced possibly offer any photographer career wise? It's not like beginners are pros in their field, so obviously they are not offering a legitimate service. Instead of paying photographers to improve their own books, they insist on being paid and keeping the same crappy snapshots in their portfolios.

I feel that before you can establish yourself in any career, you must research and gain experience. There are various resources online, there are land-based agencies that will tell you how it works, and there are many professional photographers that can help these models understand the industry. Yet they don't invest their time. How can you expect to get anywhere, in any career without experience and an investment of some sort? If someone wanted to be a doctor, per se, they would invest their time and money in going to college. Plain and simple.

Bottomline- clients pay photographers and models. Yes, sometimes photographers are the client- but the model will know that upfront- it is not their determination to make.

Of course, some models do, in fact, offer a servic- and become a commodity. Models who have a lenghty resume, are celebrities, have extensive dance or gymnastic history, or models who specialize in fine art modeling (to name a few) have a definitive service to offer, something that no just anyone can do, thus putting them in demand. Unless a model exhibits that she is a commodity, and not just some inexperienced newbie- they should pay a photographer to build their book, research and find what genre they fit into, and pursue an agency or find a way to book work freelance. That's just how it works.

If I am somehow wrong, please feel free to correct me. Otherwise, I hope I helped clear somethings up for people in the industry just starting out.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Draining the hate out of my system.

I hate that I look like you.
I hate that my eyebrow raises the same way as yours.
I hate that I wont allow myself to be like you in anyway.
I hate what you did to me, and to my brothers who were too young to get it.
I hate your selfishness.
I hate your incessant need to drain all the happiness from the room.
I hate that people think I will be just like you.
I hate that you've disrespected everyone I love atleast twice.
I hate that those people still love you on some level.
I hate that you get everything for free, and never work for anything.
I hate that you have brought kids into this world, and forgotten them, when there are people out there desperate to have a family.
Most of all, I hate the fact that you were never a real mom.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Purpose... feedback wanted.

For those of you who know me well, I like to discuss/debate matters of life. So I thought I'd try to initiate some intelligent discourse. If I get enough response, I'd like to continue these discussions on a weekly basis.
Something has been on my mind lately... the fact that life is finite. In my opinion, we all have a purpose, but I don't fully believe in fate anymore. So, that leaves the question- do we actually have a purpose? Or should our goal simply be to be at peace with ourselves? I'd really Like to hear everyone's opinions on this...

For you, Mother.

Selfish is your nature
lies are your truth
for years I've been searching
just now I've found the root
my distaste for you is unrelenting
you're an illusion
my visions of you are descending
you're sheltered in darkness
i never was the light
everything you've ever done
was deliberately out of spite
you've exhausted my morals
and taken my trust
just to trade it in
for momentary lust
mind-changing chemicals,
taking peoples miracles,
pretending you're a hero,
we see through the veil-
you're nothing but a zero.
I can tell you now
I will tell you forever
I can't ever trust you, mother.